It's here. That time of the year. The season to be jolly- whether pretend or real. Everyone puts on their happy faces, wear their selflessness hats and skip around with a bounce in their gait.
It's here. That time of the year. The season where you wonder what's wrong if you are not feeling the zing, the vibe, the cheer.
It's here. That time of the year when families mean something. Acquaintances become friends and relatives become loved ones.
It's here. That time of the year when I usually feel like being.
But this year the feeling's amiss.
It feels gray - because someone coloured in black & white.
It feels wet - because someone taught the sun to cry.
It feels wrong - because someone scribbled all over the right.
I can't hear the jingles...and I know who to blame.
2 comments:
Shuchi, the jingles over Christmas are mere farcical displays for most people. Each of those people have heavy burdens and emotional tons to carry, ofcourse most of which is nothing compared to what you have gone through this year. They celebrate these times of the year because they think this is a renewal of time. In the mind, the end of the calendar year somehow subconsciously resets the mental clock and thus springs forth hopes for the new year. Many of those hopes are irrational, because they have no rhyme nor reason. Over the past few years, I have slowly discarded the notion of festivals. They have gradually come to mean nought to me, even the impartial, all-encompassing ones such as valentine's day, friendship day, mother's day, father's day, barber's day, my first pet pigeon's death anniversary day, etc. I keep asking myself - why do we need to celebrate something one day a year when that thing is a constant part of life? My existentialist trimming of all such festivities had brought me to a point where only birthdays and event-memorial days hold any significance. I am at a stage psychologically where celebration needs to be genuine and not because the whole world is wishing you Merry Christmas. Call it cynicism or call it seeing through the mess.
But inspite of that, there is one truth which I am sure you already know - we must go on. No matter what anyone says, I can imagine the mountainous task you have been enduring of getting over the grief. I don't think it shall be ever be fully overcome, but you cannot succumb because of the show of joy around you. Have a sober and introspective holiday season, in which I hope you continue the arduous process of coming to peace with reality. You have the gift of expressing your sentiments, so count yourself fortunate because that is a powerful way to adapt.
I won't say Merry Christmas, because that means nothing to me. But I sincerely hope you find and hold onto things, even little things, and people to look into 2009 with a smile.
Much easier said than done, but one step at a time, and I am sure you will get there.
Hi Shuchi,
Little that we know each other..I have learnt a few things about you through your blog.
I have huge respect for you and the way you have tried to comprehend your grief. It sounds silly for anyone to say we understand to be honest i dont and never will but what i do understand is your will to move on and fight.
Even though when reading your post on christmas i felt a pinch in my heart and disliked the pessimism but to be honest iam glad you are able to express yourself and that just shows you are trying.
Fighting not to forget but to remember and move on... move on not from memories but from their burden..
The meaning of a happy new year to you is little but i sincerely wish 2009 brings you strength to remember the good and the happy times you have had with her... renews your ties with her in the most special ways which only you and her can understand..
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