Ever had those days when acquaintances become experiences?
I had always wondered what this day would be like. Nervous, reserved, even quiet to an extent. Yes, me and quiet. Two words which I thought never went side by side. I sat there understanding myself, my place there, thinking of her every moment and what she would have said to me before, during and after it all happened. Everything around me moved at a noticeable pace and yet I felt still as a statue. An insider from outside. That is what I was.
A journey I didn't think I'd make alone. A journey that I had imagined with a person, not only her memories in my head. A journey that I thought would be discussed amidst teasers and giggles after it was made. A journey common yet momentous.
As the train chugged forward, I watched the fields outside outrun the train and my thoughts. I tried to read but it was impossible to concentrate. I had drawn a picture in my mind. A picture of people, a cosy house, and feelings. Feelings which were alien and were to become familiar one day. Feelings which would feel warm yet different, and laughter that would sound routine yet particular. And me. That I would merge in just as the colours of the rainbow outside the window. That I would remain me, and yet feel like someone new.
I had always wondered what this day would be like. Nervous, reserved, even quiet to an extent. Yes, me and quiet. Two words which I thought never went side by side. I sat there understanding myself, my place there, thinking of her every moment and what she would have said to me before, during and after it all happened. Everything around me moved at a noticeable pace and yet I felt still as a statue. An insider from outside. That is what I was.
A journey I didn't think I'd make alone. A journey that I had imagined with a person, not only her memories in my head. A journey that I thought would be discussed amidst teasers and giggles after it was made. A journey common yet momentous.
As the train chugged forward, I watched the fields outside outrun the train and my thoughts. I tried to read but it was impossible to concentrate. I had drawn a picture in my mind. A picture of people, a cosy house, and feelings. Feelings which were alien and were to become familiar one day. Feelings which would feel warm yet different, and laughter that would sound routine yet particular. And me. That I would merge in just as the colours of the rainbow outside the window. That I would remain me, and yet feel like someone new.
What I felt when it all came alive in front of me I cannot comprehend. But I think it was near perfection, which is sometimes better than perfection itself. At least it seemed like it was, given my prior inexperience in the matter. The evening proceeded as quickly as it stood in front of me. Wine and dine, questions and curiosity, judgements and jokes all blended into an identity I was soon to learn by heart.
Before I knew it I was on my way back, same train, similar thoughts, varied company, a new experience and darkness. Darkness outside that engulfed my moments as I gathered them one by one to store away as a reminiscence. And her who I hugged as a presence that would always be felt.
It's done. All over now. And it feels easy or at least easier if I were to do it a second time round. Hope I never have to. Hope this experience never becomes an acquaintance again. Hope this is it.
Before I knew it I was on my way back, same train, similar thoughts, varied company, a new experience and darkness. Darkness outside that engulfed my moments as I gathered them one by one to store away as a reminiscence. And her who I hugged as a presence that would always be felt.
It's done. All over now. And it feels easy or at least easier if I were to do it a second time round. Hope I never have to. Hope this experience never becomes an acquaintance again. Hope this is it.
