<-Tickle me back->

I don't wear the right shoes
I don't look around as I should
If this were a river
I would be the sinking piece of wood

My thoughts are all over
I seem to be weeping
If this were the worlds closet
I'll be in-charge of house-keeping

My emotions run faster than my feet
I question my dinner wine
If we were in a triathlon
I'd be still standing at the start line

The hair falls over my face
The visions fail me
If this were a fairy tale
I'll be the goblin peeking from behind the tree

I laugh at odd nothings
My best answer is a hunch
If this were morning walk
I'll be waking up for lunch

My stories never end
I even lose the last link
If this were a boys locker room
I'd be all things pink

The inquisitive nature in me
Holds my guilt card
If this were a wheel barrow
I'd be the square wheel working hard

I can't sing to save my life
They say I even frown
If this were the last book on earth
I'd be reading it upside down

I like to fight reality
I enjoy living a dreams dream
If this were a low-fat-no-carb-zero calorie diet
I'd probably be the dollop of cream

I am not a complete mystery
But I struggle to understand myself
If this were a rescue mission
I'd be the one shouting out for help.

Sob, sniff, gone in a whiff..

How do I sum up what I feel. How do I sum up who I am.

Nostalgia hits, withdrawal symptoms become prominent and panic attacks become common. Seven years in Singapore - experiences I can’t describe and friends I can’t count. There are two phases of my life that I have any recollection of, and carry with me at all times. One is my boarding school, the other is Singapore. And now as I by pass the signals and drive along, move on, I find it hard to express anything at all. I can’t seem to find the right words to tell you all how hard it is to go away.

From first impressions to misconceptions. From perceived ideas to open conversations. From friends to foe. From hurts to hugs. From college to colleagues at work. From shared rooms to fancy apartments. From a make-believe adult to actually becoming one.

All this and more has been Singapore….has been each one of you.

Girls with big ear-rings and sports shoes. Girls who can’t cook. Girls who let me cry with them. Guys with naughty eyes and soccer obsessions. Guys who fancy a scuffle. Guys who show me off. All of them are a part of my existence. Friends I have learnt to love, friends I will always cherish and friends who I shall miss terribly. Friends who gave me a nudge everytime I dozed off during an important chapter called Life. Friends who are family.

With a heavy heart and no goodbyes, I part.

Love you all and thanks for making me who I am. Stay I touch!

"Wincing work weasels"

8 am, rushing to work
Straighten your tie & wipe that smirk,
Walk with the crowd, the boardroom awaits
Don't think like them, or you'll fall to bait,
Whispers loud, stares & greetings of the day
Sudden pin drop silence with nothing to say,
Proceedings begin, discussion finally arise
The break refreshments better be nice!
Trying very hard, being absolutely sincere
They speak only what others want to hear,
This becomes the code of conduct
You'll be heard, all you need is some luck,
Strategies, arguments & work in line
The floor is open, with an invisible 'Stop' sign,
Smiles so cold and glares that warm
Putting a facade without a qualm,
The corporate DNA boiling high
You're the catch-of-the-day if you sigh,
Global cooperation, cultural harmony
The deal is yours, just show me the money,
You are either bright, or great with the gab
But if you have the looks, the cats in the bag
Walk and sleep your proposal today
Sweet talk, and you might just get your way,
The lunch hour race runs out fast
Lick the management's tray, or you'll end up last,
Few more hours to endure, time for coffee
Catch a wink on the call, break the monotony
Like a child in school, you sense the time
The imaginary bell, revelry and wine
Night so black , stars shining bright
Mock you loud for missing all daylight
Bid farewell, throw the last pence worth
Now is when the great ideas take birth,
Network hard, get the secrets out
Get famous and speak them out loud,
Being on top of your job, meeting each deadline
And in knowing the scandals you must shine,
If you can't cope, can't stand the politics
Just pretend to understand, cheer & wink,
Don't beat your head on that wall
The only thing you can break into is a bawl,
There is no escape, no right or wrong
Just go with the flow, sing the song,
Learn the tricks, do as the grinning slugs do
Simply nod enthusiastically, and say "I agree with you",
Come next day, repeat of chores
Time to blend in, mingle with the bores,
8 am, rushing to work
Straighten your tie & wipe that smirk.

Which is worse...

..leaving your mobile at home, or seeing that there is not a single missed call or message at the end of the day?!

With spring in my feet, and jolly as ever, I ting-a-linged to work that day. No gym. No breakfast. But there was a tune in my walk as I had had the best sleep ever. No dreams, or none that I could remember. No frantic odd hour calls from girl friends, no not-so-frantic and not-so-important odd hour calls from guy friends. The radio playing all night in my ears, calm, soft, perfect.

I left home smiling in my own little world, unaware that I had left my best buddy under the covers. Nothing could spoil my day except the realisation of what I had done. Being a girl, I am allowed to say it was a nightmare! All those important calls, texts, friends expecting a reply, family worrying where I was. I wondered what people would think when I did not respond. Would they email instead? Would they contact my other friends to check if they knew anything about my whereabouts? Would anyone try and contact my work-place? Would anyone send out a search party? I think I was more worried about my MIA status than anyone else in the entire world. It was a 'the-world-might-have-stopped-coz-nobody-knows-where-I-am' moment.

The rest of the day was hard.

Back home, I was in a frenzy, which turned into anxiety, and then into a abashed-what-were-you-thinking expression! A look worth a million awards. None, no calls, no messages. Nothing at all. My presence was obsolete. Melo-drama at its peak, and in an animated surprised-with-disappointment sort of a way, I was in all sense of the word- Shocked.

Clearly something was wrong? or did I just over-estimate my existence.

--The grunge crunch--

Dishevelled, disoriented
The chaos around the bend,
Hair so messy
I could've started a trend.

It was there
Looking me in the eye,
The confusions the distress
Came by and by.

I took a step back
It caught me by the collar,
Alas! it calculated my moves
Impersonating a scholar.

What good was it now
To run, I was seen,
The devil at heart
Lived to search me clean.

Taking a deep breath
I pretended not to care,
Drew myself up close
Close enough to feel bare.

No looking back now
No turn could take me away,
Down with it!, It said
And all turned grey.

Minute by minute
Along with the gush,
I felt myself rise
In a light, meditative rush.

Spread across the floor
Detatched, the blasts from the past,
The decision had come hard
But had come at last.

Gone were the locks
The grinning barber had won,
And the only thing preserved
Was my exagerrated imagination.

"While I was busy being busy"

I saw a man on the sidewalk
Bright and early today,
Despite his pleasant nature
He had lost his way.

He said, 'Good morning'
And stuck his hand out,
Clutching a flyer to give
With a smile concealing the pout.

In the usual morning bustle
And indifferent fast paced walks,
Amidst the smell of coffee
And work related talks.

People came, people went
A push here and a nudge there,
There was more than just his dignity
That was spilling everywhere.

He stood his stand
Only budging to give way,
To every unthankful bug
Who only lived the corporate day.

No one seemed to care
There were none who smiled,
When he handed out flyer after another
He felt like a ridiculed child.

Hour after hour
He toiled in the yellow,
While the 'Move away!' and 'Goodbye'
Came faster than any 'Hello'.

When did we stop observing
Or breathe a breath or two,
Since when did a breakfast meetings
Begin to matter more?

When did a handshake
Replace a comforting hug,
Since when did we start pulling success
Than giving it a slight tug?

I walked away in a quiet daze
The scene sticking to me like glue,
And nodded in unwilling acceptance
In reality, I am one of them too...

--The question to every answer--

A flutter
A turn to the left side
Bat of an eyelid
Awakened wide,

The power lost
Inhibitions come to stay
With me, on my left side
And have their way,

I think
I concur
With each predicament naive
With each caution sign.

I turn to the right
For an escape sure
They jump across
And sheepishly lure,

Grasp of reason
Comes to help
Loosens the moments hold
And makes me yelp,

I twist
I fight
With each contradiction rare
With each needy stare.

The glorious understanding
Fills my senses slight
And from side to side
I struggle the night,

My mates, left or right
Break the dawns shroud
Save me my space
And clear the uncertainly cloud,

I wake
I move
With each new solution
With each rusty old emotion

I live again
Only to weep
I wake again
Only to sleep..

"Echos in Brail"

Hand in Hand
With the seasons and weather
A melody new
A melody forever
Stumbling for sure
But forced to move along
I pick myself up
And the tune goes on..

At least I'm singing
Singing my own song
Though sometimes, it does go wrong.

I see the sunrise
Flooding the night
With a bit of arrogance
Orange and bright
A tale it tells
Calls itself a Dream
I caress it with love
And with pride I beam..

At least I'm dreaming
Dreaming a dream wild
Though sometimes, it does misguide.

Hop and skip
A jump in my stride
In the rear-view mirror
I see a reflection by my side
I chanced upon a miracle
Hiding in a nook
Terrified as I may be
It has me on a hook..

At least I'm looking
Looking far and near
Though sometimes, it does become unclear.

Careful as I can be
Measuring day by day
In all the exhiliration
I still lose my way
Spontaneity, jest and revelry
Together, they have my back
Nothing like a moment's Moment
To get you back on track..

At least I'm making choices
Choices petty, or a choice grand
Though sometimes, it may not go as planned.

"Past my time"

He got me thinking
Not from my head
And left me wondering
Instead,

Bumped into him in the corridoor
While I stole a glance
Buying myself a coffee
And a chance,

He said Hello
And before a Goodbye was said
I heard a thousand words
Unsaid,

Saw him tomorrow
Watching me lose my mind
And falling short of expressions
Falling behind,

The gap of impression
Didn't discourage me at all
Every minute was significant
Yet small,

Another conversation
A story untold
The same old rusty corridoor
Turning cold,

He made me hold my breath
Ask the intended
It was like choking on air
Dead,

He was waiting for some today
While I simply stared
I stood there
Unprepared,

Once again I had
Made a mistake twice
It was no virtue of mine
Yet no vice,

The coffee in the aisle
With an emotion free
Took me by surprise and
Cost me,

He got me thinking
Not from my head
And left me hoping we'd never
Met..

"Blueberries and Blackcurrants"

I asked myself

When was the last time

I did a thing for the first time

Be spontaneous and young

And not a boring old bum

When time was not binding

I didn't tabulate my findings

Crazy was fun

The worried woman was my mum

Hurts were experimental

Used to dread a dental

Pockets were dry

Expenses were just as high

No plans on paper

Yet there was no later

Different days

And varying dismays

Vacations on the run

Emotions weighing less than a ton

No rush

But many a gush

With no deadlines to meet

I spent enough time on my feet

And looking in the mirror bare

I recognised the image there.

I realised all of a sudden

It must have been long ago

If I had to contemplate so

Now I'm a pretend grown up

Caught in the corporate rut

Striving to be "cool"

Childhood images run a teary pool

Looking busy

Feeling dizzy

A run once a run twice

Blame shifts and pointing vice

Clearing my cause and name

Never playing the same game

Calling for help

Cleaning out the shelf

Trying to understand life

Bah! just a waste of time

Always in a rush

Still many a gush

Trying to play my own mum

Even baby sitting anothers' son

Standing in the shade

Rarely getting paid

I think its officially done

I've forgotten how to have fun.

..Just one of those..

I was talking to a friend today and in the course of the conversation, I happened to make the following comment:

"Women love men as much in their weakest moments as in their strongest"

Is that really true? I know I may sound like I am right out of a Sex and the City episode, but it sure made me think. Are we brought up in such a way that as we trudge along life, we are scared to face the ones we love in their weaker moments? Not because we can't handle them, but simply because if someone close to us feels weak, it makes us weak as well. Vulnerable. Incapable of providing help to them when they really need it.
We live with the idea that those who we look up to should always have the broadest shoulders. And if those shoulders are stretched out for a longing hug, we simply oblige. Never stopping to think for one moment that they could be indeed crying out for help.

I think it boils down to this. We, as women, would love no matter what. Be it strong, weak, happy, sad, crazy, wonderful, exotic or simple. But we don't want to think of anyone we love as being weak, because it breaks our conviction to stay strong.

Personally, I think a man who cries is the strongest of all...and I would be weak with him anyday...

"Strike One"

I looked once
I looked twice
In corners void
In silence and noise
For that perfect shape
With words of praise
In struggles strong
When all else was wrong

Till I found the hand
The hand lonely and dear
The hand far, yet near
Smeared with confidence bare
Smiling with a powerful stare
Who wanted to yell for help
A cry only heard by self

I held it once
I held it twice
Determined never to leave
Almost certain I wont grieve
Through the weathers few
With nothing to give in lieu
I watched it loosen the grip
And I knew one day it might slip

So I bought chains of gold
Gold binding yet discreet
Gold which wouldn't cheat
Tended it for weeks
With sun-kissed cherry cheeks
Kept my calm, blushed a little
Never letting it get brittle

I changed once
I changed twice
Stretching for another finger
And have feelings that linger
To be taken granted one day
But still have my say
In the same corners void
In the familiar silence and noise

Now the clock strikes again
Strikes a two
Strikes with questions true
I hold my breath, watch and wait
Wonder if it took the bait?
And will it grow for all to see
Grow old with me?

Somebody help me..

..I think I have lost my mind.

Strange as it may sound, I had a spasm of insanity this morning. Considering that every other morning I wake up as a normal human being [the definition of normal varies from person to person of course], today was, for loss of words, just different. I woke up on the right side of the bed, as always, got ready and left for the gym, as always, boarded the bus, as always (right on time- 6:02 am!), worked out, as per my Tuesday schedule, and got into office, again, as always. What was strange though, was that throughout my morning activities, I had this strong sense that somebody or something was watching me. Not in the wrong way of course (FYI for all those whose mind works in a single direction), but in a rather elusive way. In a way that can only be caught if you're over suspicious and over-cautious.

In my sudden act of terror, I prayed, only to realise that I don't pray often enough for it to be answered. I then, after a frantic look around to ensure no-one was watching, decided to calm my nerves by talking to myself (Stop looked surprised, did I not mention it was part insanity, part stupidity?). I didn't expect it to make me feel better, but it did. As I was thinking aloud, to myself of course, it dawned upon me that the reason why it bothered me so was because I was constantly searching for an explanation. An explanation for what I felt, for what made me fearful and for what everyone else thought about my situation.

Everyone knows how much I always think (duh!). In fact I think enough for not only myself but others as well. I have set goals and, big disappointments if they are not met. I have plans, and feel the need to have their blueprints ready much before time. I always have a back-up plan, which must be bigger and better than the original plan itself. I have priorities, some of which are set in stone and as rigid as my high school rules. I have freedom, which I use to worry and over-analyse. I have limits, which sway with my moods. I have choices, which I complicate. I have questions, which only I must answer. And I have my life, which I feel, must be no less than perfect.

I think it was Me who was watching me today. Not watching really, but watching over. Begging me to stop. Stop and breathe..

*Thud*, I think I broke a rule today. A rule called 'Wanting'.

Is this normal?

"..Of frilled skirts and bow ties"

Sitting by the window
I sensed a melodious song,
A song that played in my head
A song that couldn't go wrong..

I stepped up to the window sill
To look outside, and wonder,
If the weather had made the tune
With all that rain and thunder..

But the sun shone that day
Sharper than a smiling rogue,
And I fell back to my seat
Enjoying the humming monologue..

There must be a source
Where this beauty was playing thief,
Charming my senses, me as a whole
And fluttering every glowing leaf..

The neighbour couldn't hear it
"How daft!" I thought,
It was the most exotic sound in years
What a pity it couldn't be bought!

The cat couldn't be singing
It had no voice, rhythm or rhyme,
It was growing on me like ivy
Poisoning a shrub of lime..

Then crossed a child walking
And I asked her if she knew,
She giggled, and skipped around me
And her innocence changed my point of view..

There is no melody in the air
Or a song cheerful and blush,
There is only happiness and insanity
And smiles in jokes we hush..

While she hopped away gleefully
I ceased gaping into the night,
There can't be an answer
For something that just feels right.. !

I knew then, that very instant
The meoldy that ran a mile,
Was simple in my heart, and been there
All this while..

Shuchi15/01/07